Island

Sometimes I feel really alone... like I'm on an island with nobody else. Then one day, I get a message in a bottle from someone from another island and they tell me they're in the same situation. Do you know how amazing that is? It's like the Police song Message in a Bottle!

Letting people know about the situation you're in can really make a difference in another person's life. (I think I already said something like this in my last blog post... oops!) I just am feeling this way because I have made a friend through my website - http://twaarp.wix.com/twaarp - they go by Silence. I feel like my burden has been lightened after hearing from another friend with anxiety and OCD.

So if you are nervous about telling another person, email me - twaarp@gmail.com - I am here for anyone who is struggling. I know how awful it is to feel alone. You just need to remember that you're not.


:)
Chelsea

Transitions and R-OCD

So... I have begun to really notice how hard transitions hit me. 

This summer I decided to pursue my life long dream of being a camp counselor, in another state. My mother's initial response was "Why would you do that?" Many reasons other than the fact it is one of my life long dreams to work with kids and the other is to work at a camp! Two birds with one stone! But in all seriousness, I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone. I try to constantly fight OCD by pushing myself out of my comfort zone or doing things I am terrified of doing in order to "prove" to myself that my OCD does not control me.

Anyway... I leave this Thursday to drive eight hours away, to a place where I will work for two months, however I have been packed and ready to go for a month already. I am absolutely terrified about overpacking, which I am sure I have already done. I am also terrified of falling asleep while driving for so long, which that jerk OCD tells me will happen. AND I have recently become painfully aware of how everything impacts my relationship with my boyfriend, which apparently is R-OCD (the r stands for relationship). 

R-OCD I believe is the reason I have had panic attack after panic attack every time I see my boyfriend. I'll be fine for a while, but randomly it will hit me in the face. OCD tells me "He thinks you don't care and you don't. You don't deserve anyone. He is going to break up with you and that will rip you apart, so you should break up with him first. That will be better. Do it! Do it!" And of course this mortifies me because I know it's OCD. I think, OCD shut the hell up. But then I get really quiet and zoned out because I am listening to this stupid voice in my head and trying to argue with it. So I sit next to my boyfriend and start to mumble or twitch because I'm fighting this stupid voice in my head. He'll eventually notice and try to comfort me, and it'll go away for a bit before it decides to show up again. That day or the next day. 

He knows this happens, because it has happened before other times when my life is transitioning from summer to school, school to winter break, winter break to school, school to summer, etc. But it's been so severe lately. For two weeks I have had one or more panic attacks every day about this R-OCD. Poor dude. I think I am wearing him out! I am just so utterly terrified of things going too well, because that means something is wrong. Or leaving for two months because maybe he'll realize in that time that I'm a jerk and he doesn't actually like me. Ahhh! I starting to freak out and I'm just trying to write this down! 

Anyway. So these transitions have been very hard for me. Very, but it'll will work out. I'll get to camp and OCD may rear its ugly head, but I'll be so distracted with little elementary kids I won't give him the time of day. *snap* Ha! I am trying to be sassy and talk back to OCD. 

Today I will dedicate myself to updating TWAARP's website, as I have been distracted by ending my first year at college and my own personal struggles with OCD. However, a change is coming! I can feel it! :)