Running Away From My Fears

I have a long story... 

So... Remember that summer camp I referred to two posts ago? 

Well, I quit the summer camp because of my OCD. It was really hard for me, but mentally I was in a horrible place. I never had a panic attack in front of the kids, but I did in front of the staff. I was so embarrassed when my boss told me I could take a week off because people had told her they were worried about me... That really hurt. I felt genuinely handicapped. I didn't like feeling like a burden, like they thought that maybe I was going to loose it at any time. Which nobody ever directly said to me. I may have just felt that way internally. I took the week off with my friend from camp who also had severe anxiety, but when I came back everything felt amplified. The tension, pressure, my OCD was loud and I felt out of control. There were subtle issues occurring at camp, none of which involved me, but living in such close proximity... I soaked all that negativity up. I broke and quit. Don't get me wrong, it was a wonderful experience. I conquered a lot of my fears and got to have fun at camp, help other kids that were struggling with being away from home and made some really good friends. I just stopped focusing on myself for a while and that's where I went wrong.

I went through a couple of really hard weeks after I left.... So many panic attacks... I felt horrible about myself and continued to self harm. I know my family did not think this "episode" - or "season" I should say - was too bad. I was handling it well on the outside, but I cried myself to sleep every night and pulled my hair out and cut my skin on my feet so nobody could see. I felt this was not a good way to handle it, but I couldn't stop. After some exposure I went camping with my boyfriend at a nearby national park. I was not doing so great the first day, but after the second day something clicked. It was like something changed. Slowly I could function again. 

Ever since I have arrived back home, my boyfriend and I ave been running. Like running running. I don't run, so this is weird, but since I've started doing this I felt like a weight has been lifted off of me. Yes, I absolutely hate running, but afterwards I am in a great place mentally. I'm so shocked. So today was day three of my training for a 5k. I feel strange. A good strange. Like I am in control of my life and OCD isn't. Even though running is freaking hard! I think I should keep doing it. 

I feel like this is a combination of internal and external balance, which sounds cheesy, but seriously! I am going to try and figure out what else I'm doing to make myself feel so much better. I'm exercising (which is always helpful - releasing endorphins)  and I'm listening to music and meditating and (like always) taking my medicine, this combination is really making a difference I think.

:)

Chelsea

Island

Sometimes I feel really alone... like I'm on an island with nobody else. Then one day, I get a message in a bottle from someone from another island and they tell me they're in the same situation. Do you know how amazing that is? It's like the Police song Message in a Bottle!

Letting people know about the situation you're in can really make a difference in another person's life. (I think I already said something like this in my last blog post... oops!) I just am feeling this way because I have made a friend through my website - http://twaarp.wix.com/twaarp - they go by Silence. I feel like my burden has been lightened after hearing from another friend with anxiety and OCD.

So if you are nervous about telling another person, email me - twaarp@gmail.com - I am here for anyone who is struggling. I know how awful it is to feel alone. You just need to remember that you're not.


:)
Chelsea

Transitions and R-OCD

So... I have begun to really notice how hard transitions hit me. 

This summer I decided to pursue my life long dream of being a camp counselor, in another state. My mother's initial response was "Why would you do that?" Many reasons other than the fact it is one of my life long dreams to work with kids and the other is to work at a camp! Two birds with one stone! But in all seriousness, I wanted to push myself out of my comfort zone. I try to constantly fight OCD by pushing myself out of my comfort zone or doing things I am terrified of doing in order to "prove" to myself that my OCD does not control me.

Anyway... I leave this Thursday to drive eight hours away, to a place where I will work for two months, however I have been packed and ready to go for a month already. I am absolutely terrified about overpacking, which I am sure I have already done. I am also terrified of falling asleep while driving for so long, which that jerk OCD tells me will happen. AND I have recently become painfully aware of how everything impacts my relationship with my boyfriend, which apparently is R-OCD (the r stands for relationship). 

R-OCD I believe is the reason I have had panic attack after panic attack every time I see my boyfriend. I'll be fine for a while, but randomly it will hit me in the face. OCD tells me "He thinks you don't care and you don't. You don't deserve anyone. He is going to break up with you and that will rip you apart, so you should break up with him first. That will be better. Do it! Do it!" And of course this mortifies me because I know it's OCD. I think, OCD shut the hell up. But then I get really quiet and zoned out because I am listening to this stupid voice in my head and trying to argue with it. So I sit next to my boyfriend and start to mumble or twitch because I'm fighting this stupid voice in my head. He'll eventually notice and try to comfort me, and it'll go away for a bit before it decides to show up again. That day or the next day. 

He knows this happens, because it has happened before other times when my life is transitioning from summer to school, school to winter break, winter break to school, school to summer, etc. But it's been so severe lately. For two weeks I have had one or more panic attacks every day about this R-OCD. Poor dude. I think I am wearing him out! I am just so utterly terrified of things going too well, because that means something is wrong. Or leaving for two months because maybe he'll realize in that time that I'm a jerk and he doesn't actually like me. Ahhh! I starting to freak out and I'm just trying to write this down! 

Anyway. So these transitions have been very hard for me. Very, but it'll will work out. I'll get to camp and OCD may rear its ugly head, but I'll be so distracted with little elementary kids I won't give him the time of day. *snap* Ha! I am trying to be sassy and talk back to OCD. 

Today I will dedicate myself to updating TWAARP's website, as I have been distracted by ending my first year at college and my own personal struggles with OCD. However, a change is coming! I can feel it! :)

Sometimes

Sometimes I want to die. It's 3am. I feel like life is crumbling around me. I'm convinced nobody likes me. Nobody cares. Nobody. I think the suicidal thoughts are coming back. College is so hard. Why did I take on so much? At the same time I feel I am drowning, I feel like I'm not keeping up with everyone else. I need to be a part of more. I need to study more. Honestly though. I don't want to do anything but hurt myself. 

Panic Mode

Okay. So maybe I've been a bit panicky lately. So many deadlines. I'm terrified to fall behind, but I constantly feel behind. I am jumpy, terrified of my meds and petrified to talk to anyone. I know this is just an episode but it's been happening quite frequently lately. 

I just need to calm down. The little hiccups should not make me feel down about myself. I have pushed very hard to get here. I can do this. I can. 

Although it's hard. I will get through this. 

College

So I am going on week three of my college experience. My panic attacks are starting to show up again. The past two days I have been twitchy and on edge. I don't think my roommate can tell anything is wrong. But I'm hyperventilating. I haven't done anything homework wise in the past two days. I feel so behind, like I am drowning or something. 

So I am continuing on with my TWAARP blog. Now it's going to follow my college life as I struggle to get through it with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

Thanks! I will be writing way more frequently. 😊 

Fears

The things OCD makes me afraid of are so stupid. But the biggest one I've worried about lately is that if the people I care about see one of my episodes. What will they think of me? Will they actually see me as crazy? 

I had this conversation with my dad last night. He said they would want to help. They wouldn't think I was weird or crazy. 

But I can't see it. I'm trying...

Last night I had one of my first severe panic attacks in months. It scared me. Am I going backwards? All that work going towards nothing? I hurt myself, rocked back and forth and had trouble controlling my movements. 

Apparently I did much better than in the past! I seem in a fog when panic attacks come so I don't remember all that well. 

But I actually could talk during the attack! 

I hate that feeling panic gives me... It feels like electricity in the lower back of my head and my shoulders. I always wonder if that happens to anyone else. I knew it's just in my head but it's so real...

That's when I know it's coming. Freaky.