Sometimes

Sometimes I want to die. It's 3am. I feel like life is crumbling around me. I'm convinced nobody likes me. Nobody cares. Nobody. I think the suicidal thoughts are coming back. College is so hard. Why did I take on so much? At the same time I feel I am drowning, I feel like I'm not keeping up with everyone else. I need to be a part of more. I need to study more. Honestly though. I don't want to do anything but hurt myself. 

Panic Mode

Okay. So maybe I've been a bit panicky lately. So many deadlines. I'm terrified to fall behind, but I constantly feel behind. I am jumpy, terrified of my meds and petrified to talk to anyone. I know this is just an episode but it's been happening quite frequently lately. 

I just need to calm down. The little hiccups should not make me feel down about myself. I have pushed very hard to get here. I can do this. I can. 

Although it's hard. I will get through this. 

College

So I am going on week three of my college experience. My panic attacks are starting to show up again. The past two days I have been twitchy and on edge. I don't think my roommate can tell anything is wrong. But I'm hyperventilating. I haven't done anything homework wise in the past two days. I feel so behind, like I am drowning or something. 

So I am continuing on with my TWAARP blog. Now it's going to follow my college life as I struggle to get through it with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

Thanks! I will be writing way more frequently. 😊 

Fears

The things OCD makes me afraid of are so stupid. But the biggest one I've worried about lately is that if the people I care about see one of my episodes. What will they think of me? Will they actually see me as crazy? 

I had this conversation with my dad last night. He said they would want to help. They wouldn't think I was weird or crazy. 

But I can't see it. I'm trying...

Last night I had one of my first severe panic attacks in months. It scared me. Am I going backwards? All that work going towards nothing? I hurt myself, rocked back and forth and had trouble controlling my movements. 

Apparently I did much better than in the past! I seem in a fog when panic attacks come so I don't remember all that well. 

But I actually could talk during the attack! 

I hate that feeling panic gives me... It feels like electricity in the lower back of my head and my shoulders. I always wonder if that happens to anyone else. I knew it's just in my head but it's so real...

That's when I know it's coming. Freaky. 

Underwater

My OCD is the main entree. Depression is a side dish. I know that sounds weird, but as I'm spiraling into the darkest places of my mind I think of this. 

It talks to me. "You're worthless, why do you exist?" "Nobody likes you. They are just pretending." 

And although it sounds ridiculous, I believe it. 

I cry. Trying to sleep, to run from it. But thoughts swirl. They're everywhere. 

People that don't suffer with depression can never fully understand. Depression feels like your drowning, but everyone around you is breathing. I don't know how else to explain it. 

I think writing this out is helping me right now. It's kind of funny how randomly my depression hits. It can be for a few weeks or a day. It's completely linked with my OCD, but then not at all. 

Currently, I am listening to classical music trying to drain my thoughts. It's peaceful. But I'm still underwater. 

Drowning

Do you ever feel you're there, but not really? Like you're neck deep in sap. Everything. Is. Slow. 

Time, school, thoughts are all a fog. You can see everyone moving at a normal pace, but you're trapped. In your head. 

Thoughts and Demons

Hi! My name is Chelsea and I've decide to start blogging to just release all the negative energy that's built up inside of me. Hopefully somebody out there that's going through similar troubles can see this and relate. Hopefully.

Yuck. So brief bio of me:

I am seventeen year old senior in high school and am currently deciding which college I'd like to go to. I am a pretty studious person and a complete overachiever (to a fault). I play varsity tennis. I have a boyfriend and a few close friends. I love music, hockey and my cat. I'm a tea and Community fanatic.

Oh and I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Okay it's gonna get uncomfortably deep here, but I swear I'm not always this much of a Debbie Downer!

I pinky promise!

I was diagnosed with OCD sophomore year. That was the worst year of my life.

I played volleyball year round and tennis half the year. I was a recovering anemic and (unknowingly) a sufferer of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  I would come home from practice, and try to do my homework, but I would just spend hours staring at it. My hands became cut and bloody from my obsessive hand washing, I got to a point where I would wash twelve times in a  row with six pumps of soap each. I didn't even notice I was doing something wrong. I spent hours at two in the morning cleaning out my closet. Every night. I didn't even see what I was doing. My mom knew something was wrong and took to the internet to find help. As she searched, I got worse. I couldn't move. I'd scream and cry, unable to speak, terrified that someone was coming to hurt my family. It was hard to go to school, I ended up leaving class to sit in the guidance office to stare and be alone with what was happening in my head.

So fast forward two years, and Ta-da! I am now a functioning human. Okay so I know there was a lot in between those years, therapy, medicines and a lot of help from my family, but my mom blogged about this on King Kong's Bitches, which is a very long story. So I do not feel the need to reiterate.

I can answer questions, talk about what I'm currently going through and give ya'll a play by play of the death match between me and my OCD. Because contrary to popular belief, OCD is a non-curable disease. So I will fight everyday with my demons, like everyone else does. Although the head-honcho of those demons is OCD, I've learned a few things about how to keep him at bay.

Okay sorry... that was cheesy, but hey more interesting right?

So feel free to ask questions and such and I'm going to just keep a record of what I think and what resources I use to fight back.

:)

Chelsea